My husband listens to his mother and she controls his life, What should I do?

A stable and successful married life requires both spouses to be fully aware of their rights and responsibilities to maintain the relationship without conflicts, both the husband and wife fulfill their duties within a framework of love and mutual respect. 

However, marital life is not without its challenges and problems, which the couple must work together to solve and overcome, one of the most prominent issues a wife might face is when her husband excessively relies on his mother for all matters and decisions, this behavior can negatively affect the harmony of married life, especially if the husband's mother is the controlling type who wants to interfere in the wife’s life and impose her opinions and ideas.

Before discussing how to deal with a husband who always listens to his mother or prioritizes her over you, let's first explore the signs of a man who listens to his mother during the engagement period, recognizing these signs early can help you avoid entering into a marriage with him, or at least encourage you to think carefully before taking any official steps with him.

Signs of a Man Who Listens to His Mother

It is natural for a man to love his mother, she is the first woman in his life, the first to love him, and the first to offer him love, affection, and sacrifice, he is obligated to treat her well and repay her kindness, however, when a man is entirely under his mother's control, it becomes a concerning issue. Here are some signs of a man controlled by his mother:

1. During the engagement, he may ask you to address his mother as "Mom" to win her heart and affection, men who request this are often labeled as "mama’s boys".
2. A man controlled by his mother may use phrases or words similar to those his mother uses, indicating that he has been significantly influenced by her and now speaks in the same way she does.
3. If he frequently says: I’ll ask my mom, I’ll consult them and let you know, or I’ll think about it and give you my decision, when discussing important topics related to your marriage or any crucial decisions, this is a clear sign of a "mama’s boy".
4. He makes his mother sit beside him in the front seat of the car while asking you to sit in the back, this is a strong indicator that your fiancé or husband puts his mother and family over you.
5. If he constantly compares you to his mother and sisters whether it's in cooking, dressing, or other aspects like saying: No one in the world can cook better than my mom, he likely views his mother as perfect and infallible.
6. A man controlled by his mother may receive calls from her 24 hours in day, whether there is a reason or not, especially when she knows he is out with you, he will answer her calls immediately, no matter how busy he is.
7. If he often references his mother’s opinion when you ask him about anything in his life, it shows that he is a "mama’s boy".
8. If every detail of your life is known to his family, it’s likely because he shares everything with his mother.
9. If his mother dictates all his decisions, or if he changes his decisions after returning home, it’s a sign that he does everything she says without thinking.
10. If he has broken up with several women before you because his mother didn’t approve of them, it’s clear that he is overly influenced by her opinions, while pleasing one’s mother is important, his decisions should be based on his own principles and personality, not his mother’s mood.
11. If his mother accompanies you both everywhere, this indicates that she is more important to him than you are, he prefers to keep in touch with her and take her along wherever you go, leaving no room for privacy in your relationship.
12. If his mother comments on your clothes or work and he agrees with everything she says because he believes she is always right, it means his mother controls your life, you’ll also notice that she chooses the wedding date and picks out every detail, from the feast to the sweets, etc.

If these signs apply to your situation, it may be best to reconsider your choice of a life partner.

How to deal with a husband who listens to his mother

Now, let’s assume you’ve married a man who listens to his mother a lot, puts her first, and follows her orders to the letter, if this is causing you distress and bringing problems into your life due to his mother’s interference and control, preventing you from living comfortably, here are some strategies to handle a husband controlled by his mother and help him wake up from the trance he is in:

• Convince your husband that you can handle the consequences of your decisions, whether positive or negative, by proving it through your actions, explain to him that his reliance on his mother is because she planted the idea that he couldn’t depend on himself or make successful choices.
• Speak calmly with him about the importance of having a private life together that no one else can interfere with, regardless of their relationship or closeness, set clear boundaries.
• Ask him about the reasons behind his reliance on his mother for decision making and help him express these reasons clearly, once you understand them, try to become the person he relies on for decisions instead of his mother by proving that you are trustworthy and won’t disappoint him.
• When dealing with a husband controlled by his mother, avoid badmouthing his mother in front of him, even if you’re upset with her behavior, speak kindly about her so that you don’t provoke his anger and undermine your plans.
• Reassure your mother in law that she hasn’t lost her son and that he still loves her to reduce her need to interfere in your life and cause problems.
• To make your husband realize the impact of his actions on you, start following your own mother’s advice and let her interfere in your personal life, so he can understand how you feel when his mother does the same.
• Ensure privacy: one of the key strategies in handling a husband controlled by his mother is to keep your personal issues away from your mother in law so that she can’t use that information to interfere in your life or control you.
• Make sure your home is completely independent of your mother in law’s, so his family cannot meddle in your life. Under no circumstances should you agree to live with them.
• Be patient: changing your husband’s behavior doesn’t happen overnight, so patience is essential, avoid anger and haste.
• If your mother in law’s interference continues despite your repeated efforts, it may be time to set firm boundaries, speak gently but honestly with her, letting her know that both you and your husband are adults capable of managing your own lives.
• One effective way to change a husband controlled by his mother is to encourage him by reminding him that he is the head of the household, support him in making daily decisions about your life together, so he feels a sense of responsibility and moves away from his mother’s influence.
• Involve him in caring for the children, such as picking them up from school, taking them out, or playing with them, this will keep him busy and reduce the amount of information he shares with his mother.
• Regularly talk about how men who always listen to their mothers are seen as weak and how their marriages are often unsuccessful, mention how people pity such men, likening them to small children, without making him feel that you’re referring to him specifically, this might make him feel ashamed and reconsider his behavior.
• Surprise him at the last moment when planning something important for you both, so he doesn’t have time to consult his mother, for example, if you want to take a trip out of town, let him know only after you’ve arranged everything, leaving him no opportunity to tell his mother or seek her opinion.

1. Build a good relationship with your mother in law through visits, kindness, and giving gifts on various occasions, this can strengthen your family relationship and make her feel like she’s gained a new daughter, which could lead her to back off and allow you to live peacefully with your husband.

What to do if he Chooses his mom over you

Don’t rush into doing anything you might regret later, avoid anger and stress, as they can affect your health, instead think carefully and show your husband that you are upset by his lack of appreciation for you and his insensitivity to your feelings, make him understand that you hold a special place that no one should compare themselves to, with a little patience and once you have children, your husband will likely start to change and become less of a mama’s boy.

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